752 Words

Well I am just going to start pretty randomly and see how this goes. I have had a lot of frustration recently and it is my own fault, I guess, at least the fretting part and I hope that after a good cry the other day I can get over that OK. I have found myself falling in love, as Anna! --with a woman and gosh it's caused me much anxiety because I know that it's 'wrong' of me in many people's morality and including my own, sad to say, but I don't really feel like I can control that and I don't feel it's strictly bad of me to have feelings!  I told her because I felt like not telling her was a dishonest thing that I should not do to a close friend, for that friendship is basically the most important thing anyway.
Anyway I haven't heard back but I've sent an angsty video, my 'first lesbian love' poem to her from a month previous, and various general 'sorry' emails. However, she did like a few of my new pictures that I posted at my Tumblr and I guess that at least she wasn't hating me at that point, though of course I am not entirely certain what she has read and seen at this point.  I am at this point just thinking that of course I cannot do anything useful by just worrying and I can't control anything now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak, so I have to just wait and see if she ever contacts me again. Perhaps she loves me enough as a friend to accept that I've told her the truth and that I feel that way, even though she doesn't feel the same way, and can just forgive me and go on as before. I really don't know but perhaps that's the best scenario. Of course if she did feel the same way that would be a mixed blessing for it would be exciting and rewarding but could lead into more problems and more transgressions and I don't want to hurt my lady of course. I don't want to put any of my family into danger or consternation.
I have not written anything here in a good long while. I think that partly that has been because it's hard to see what I wrote before, much like Penzu, and so I don't see what I can do with the stuff I write here unless I use it on that same day. Besides, it reminded me of Stacey, my old friend who basicially just up and rejected my friendship all of a sudden and that was painful. I am still not over the hurt there. So anyway I am here today because I was going through my LastPass vault of passwords and found the info there so I clicked and came in. I wonder if I should paste this into my Blogger blog? Today there's a maintenance thing going on at Tumblr so I can't do anything at all there, so I've been emailing and also posting at Blogger. I'm trying to upload a short video of mine but it seems to have frozen somehow there. We will see. I am thinking that just so I can read this muck again I will copy and paste at Blogspot.
I have been so conflicted! I had a good set of days after some bad ones, worrying about a merry friend and a few others with whom I may have said too much to, my old vice. But then they both were very positive to me and so I was less worried, till just Thursday when I spilled the beans in a video (2 actually and edited them together) and sent it to her. 'Lena that is.
I wish this service were more versatile. I wonder . . .probably , PROBABLY nobody would even find this stuff here as it's not a real well known blogging platform in teh first place, maybe I can just not lock the text posts.
Well here's my son! He was sleeping since about 5:30 and now it's... well let me see...whoa! Ten O'Clock, man!
I have just fifty words till I hit 750 for today. Well let's try to do this and then I'll get my boy some milk. You know, he may not end up identifying as male. I said in my video rant that I'm not a man, I'm a girl. YEAHHHH~
I WIN.