I have been talking with some new people lately. Especially with Roo, who is fantastic, and Steph, whom I really like and trust already and who since I typed the beginning of this has been lovely all over again. I feel strangely hopeless but also happy and excited, it's weird. Oh well, I hope I can have friends who stay. I don't mean to neglect or deny older friends who are still around!! I just.. . .need to get things more rolling again I guess. I'm not sure how invested they are in our friendship but I hope we're fine. I can't really make it without friends, I feel cut off from the real world so online is my only world outside my noggin.

752 Words

Well I am just going to start pretty randomly and see how this goes. I have had a lot of frustration recently and it is my own fault, I guess, at least the fretting part and I hope that after a good cry the other day I can get over that OK. I have found myself falling in love, as Anna! --with a woman and gosh it's caused me much anxiety because I know that it's 'wrong' of me in many people's morality and including my own, sad to say, but I don't really feel like I can control that and I don't feel it's strictly bad of me to have feelings!  I told her because I felt like not telling her was a dishonest thing that I should not do to a close friend, for that friendship is basically the most important thing anyway.
Anyway I haven't heard back but I've sent an angsty video, my 'first lesbian love' poem to her from a month previous, and various general 'sorry' emails. However, she did like a few of my new pictures that I posted at my Tumblr and I guess that at least she wasn't hating me at that point, though of course I am not entirely certain what she has read and seen at this point.  I am at this point just thinking that of course I cannot do anything useful by just worrying and I can't control anything now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak, so I have to just wait and see if she ever contacts me again. Perhaps she loves me enough as a friend to accept that I've told her the truth and that I feel that way, even though she doesn't feel the same way, and can just forgive me and go on as before. I really don't know but perhaps that's the best scenario. Of course if she did feel the same way that would be a mixed blessing for it would be exciting and rewarding but could lead into more problems and more transgressions and I don't want to hurt my lady of course. I don't want to put any of my family into danger or consternation.
I have not written anything here in a good long while. I think that partly that has been because it's hard to see what I wrote before, much like Penzu, and so I don't see what I can do with the stuff I write here unless I use it on that same day. Besides, it reminded me of Stacey, my old friend who basicially just up and rejected my friendship all of a sudden and that was painful. I am still not over the hurt there. So anyway I am here today because I was going through my LastPass vault of passwords and found the info there so I clicked and came in. I wonder if I should paste this into my Blogger blog? Today there's a maintenance thing going on at Tumblr so I can't do anything at all there, so I've been emailing and also posting at Blogger. I'm trying to upload a short video of mine but it seems to have frozen somehow there. We will see. I am thinking that just so I can read this muck again I will copy and paste at Blogspot.
I have been so conflicted! I had a good set of days after some bad ones, worrying about a merry friend and a few others with whom I may have said too much to, my old vice. But then they both were very positive to me and so I was less worried, till just Thursday when I spilled the beans in a video (2 actually and edited them together) and sent it to her. 'Lena that is.
I wish this service were more versatile. I wonder . . .probably , PROBABLY nobody would even find this stuff here as it's not a real well known blogging platform in teh first place, maybe I can just not lock the text posts.
Well here's my son! He was sleeping since about 5:30 and now it's... well let me see...whoa! Ten O'Clock, man!
I have just fifty words till I hit 750 for today. Well let's try to do this and then I'll get my boy some milk. You know, he may not end up identifying as male. I said in my video rant that I'm not a man, I'm a girl. YEAHHHH~
I WIN.

Pissiness Supremo

I was gonna get pissy but I decided against posting this at a regular video site or my main blog, but just so I can get it off my mind I've decided to post it here suddenly!

Sesame Street: "The Voice"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hL0kyOIG9dg&feature=colike
A parody of a singing contest. I don't know the specific show they're making fun of, but I've been on quite similar shows here!
I never thought I'd see the day when an "underarm farting sound" would be featured on Sesame Street. Oh, well...
And with GLOVES no less!!

More thoughts on the Reality Paradigm Shift

Movies and novels are good as far as the characters give us the impression of reality, of knowing them. Or of loving their mystery! It’s same with people, we get the illusion that we know them well from really rather scanty information and impressions. IT excites us, it gets us thinking, we wonder what will happen next, if it breaks the illusion of reality with 4^th wall etc. then it is at least partly ruined.

We cultivate an appearance that we hope will attract the people who attract us. Even if that means we act like slobs, we wish to catch some other slobs or people who like slobs. :D

What about philanthropists and green enthusiasts? Do they actually love the world, or they like to picture themselves as heroes saving the world? Many people act as they do just so they can feel they belong to a larger team.

We project our own sense of personal dynamics onto others when we try to picture their inner lives. We imagine their motivations and feelings are much like our own. We feel sympathetic but it is likely largely just imagined similarities of emotions. Bloggers project our own personal sense of self but usually it is magnified or exaggerated, sometimes for sympathetic responses, sometimes to make people like us, largely in general it is likely just that we want people to like us...but that’s maybe just me.

We all care about what others think of us, about what impression we make on others. When we lose control of our poise, we maybe show more our natural selves, but then again it’s at times of emotional upset and not representative of our ordinary selves really.

Maybe depression or depressive states are exaggerated echo chambers of the negative parts of our thinking, of experiencing disillusion or insecurity about illusions, fear of being found out, fear of people not being what we want them to be or feeling otherwise than how we want them to feel, or fear that we are not who we really want to be, or of general recognition that we are not in control of others or the external world and therefore reality will intrude and break up our sense of belief. Certainly we sometimes tend to project our self doubt and self hatred onto other people and picture them rejecting us and wanting to desert us. We wish to desert our real life selves, and also our ‘negative self image’ reality, and escape to a place where we don’t exist objectively, or we can get back in control of what we perceive and feel.

Maybe atheists, rather than seeking sanctuary from bad feelings in God or prayer, take comfort in the illusion that because they are more ‘rational’ they are therefore more intelligent or better informed than religious folks. Actually just rejecting superstition or religion is not enough to make us better informed; it is only a diminution of their emotional and imaginative boundaries. Being educated or gaining knowledge can give us a broader range of experiences and points of view and all to draw from, but it is not the same as wisdom or intelligence. It is an aid to intelligence, much as a better memory can be. It can lead to a wiser decision because it is more informed by the range of possibilities, of potentials and of precedent that you have been exposed to. This is how a detective becomes better, with experience (and to the mind reading about others’ experiences is itself a form of experience, something to draw from when hypothesizing about what has happened in this situation.)

How is a bookworm different from a scholar? Is it the choice of material, or how it’s experienced/read, or the purpose of the reader? Is a scholar more focused on broadening the range of real world data?

Aporia/____

Maybe religious people and nonreligious people think in similar ways, but the pools of knowledge and mental storage are different pools.

Life before meters...clocks, rulers, weight measurements. Who says? That a certain measurement indicates health and another sickness? Smartness and stupidity? Punctuality? Why are numbers tied to judgment as they are?

Is experience always measured by real world experiences like work experience or travel? What about the amount learned in the library or online, or in the pursuit of hobbies?  

christmas even

I'm not at all ready for Christmas. Too bad, cos here it comes.